And then there were threePosted: January 5, 2013
In 2013, we will (Lord willing) become parents.
There! Finally! The announcement! At the end of June, we are expecting a third, and grateful seems a weak and paltry word to explain the joy and thankfulness that we feel.
I’ve wanted to write about this hope we have carried since the autumn morning we first began to dream, but it’s only now, nearly 16 weeks later, that I feel confident–I think?–enough to put my thoughts in the form of a thing as concrete as words. It will be two years next month since Michael and I began to hope we could grow our family, two short years that stretched long as we were in the midst of them.
In the summer of 2011, we experienced two miscarriages, both very early, one following on top of the other. Losses that were painful at the time, yes, but which grew to hurt much more in retrospect than my heart allowed me to feel in the harried heat of the moment. It was only after the second miscarriage that I started to worry, fearing that perhaps these losses were not just a normal part of life but indicated a deeper problem, an issue with me, an unfitness in my very body. Nearly a year and a half of silence followed, and during that year I struggled: to hope for myself, to rejoice with others, to trust that God is good to me and Michael and that his plans for us are created out of infinite love.
(Oh, and I fear that I sound like a whiny child. There are so many others who have experienced much worse loss, much deeper fear, life events that are more difficult and even harder to explain and accept. And there are others I know who have walked this specific road of frustrated longing far longer and with far less hope than I. All I can say is: I know I am fortunate. I cannot explain it, but we do not, not anymore at least, take this hope for granted.)
The truth is this: our Father does care for us, and even our deepest hurts–wherever they lie–can be taken up and made into something more beautiful than would be possible without those very pains. Just look at the Cross! I believe this, I hold to it, and I think (hope) that now I can even say I am grateful for the rocky sections of the path he has chosen for us.